The Bachelorette’s Katie Thurston: ‘I Was Involved in a Situation Where There Wasn’t Consent’

The Bachelorette opens up with "Glamour" about why it was important to share her past experience on the reality show.

The Bachelorette’s Katie Thurston: ‘I Was Involved in a Situation Where There Wasn’t Consent’

On the most recent episode of The Bachelorette, Katie Thurston opened up about a past non-consensual sexual encounter she experienced. The moment happened while on a group date—hosted by former Bachelor Nick Viall—in which the guys are asked to reveal intimate secrets from past relationships. It turns into a difficult, but cathartic, session, which prompts Thurston—who has been lauded for being so sex positive—to discuss a painful experience of her own. 

“I was involved a situation where there wasn’t consent, and that is not something I wish upon anybody,” she says. “I was in denial about what happened, so much so that I tried to form a relationship with him, because I didn’t want to believe what actually had happened.” She goes on to say that as a result, she ended up having an unhealthy relationship with sex in the years that followed. “I didn’t want to have sex…. I didn’t like talking about sex, and it’s taken me a long time to get to where I am now…. loving myself and accepting things I can no longer control.”

Three days before the episode aired on ABC, Thurston spoke to Glamour West Coast editor Jessica Radloff about why she chose to share something so private on national television, and the lessons she hopes viewers take away from the episode. “As heartbreaking as these stories are, we are healing and starting conversations so we can move forward,” she says. 

Glamour: When you were going into this group date, what had you planned on sharing? 

Katie Thurston: The date was initially going to be about spilling the tea, finding out what’s in the DMs, what’s the gossip about these men, what exes are coming forward, etc. But the whole date shifted completely. Going into it, I was probably going to share something surface level. I don’t really have dark relationship secrets like that. I date pretty seriously in long-term so I was like, “I don’t know what to share.” But as each guy opened up more and more, I felt compelled to be vulnerable with them and share that story.

You also mentioned that not even your mom knew what happened. How soon after this episode filmed did you tell her?

Honestly, I held off for a little bit. When you get home from the experience, there’s just so much happening. There was a point where I wondered if my story was even going to be shown because it is kind of a heavy topic for family television. Once I got the confirmation that, yes, that was going to be shared—I will say, the producers did ask me if I was comfortable with that. I did have the option to not have that aired. I felt it was important to share my story to start these conversations with the viewers, whether they’ve experienced it themselves or to educate people on what consent really means.

But it was only two weeks ago that I told my mom because I knew this episode was coming up and I didn’t want her to find out on TV. I think, as a mother, it was hard for her to feel like she couldn’t be there for me or that she didn’t feel like a safe space for me. A lot of parents, I think, are uncomfortable talking about sexual experiences with their teenagers; and if you don’t, then you’re going to have problems going forward.

Did you feel better having told her?

It’s a weird thing to navigate because it happened so long ago, so there’s nothing we can do to resolve it. We just talked about it. But that allowed her to open up about her experiences growing up. I think what’s going to happen with this episode is so many people are going to come forward with their own stories. Hopefully we can all learn from it and just be better as individuals when it comes to consent and sexual experiences.

You mentioned in the episode that you tried to form a relationship with this individual around the time that the encounter happened. Some people may not understand why, but what have you learned about that?

I think people don’t want to fail, so they do what they can to feel like they did not fail in whatever way that is. For me, in that moment, I felt like I had failed in protecting myself and in standing up for myself. I wanted to make it feel like it wasn’t a failure. I wanted to make it feel like it was intentional. Like, ‘Yeah, we both wanted this because we were heading into a relationship.’ So you try and cope and make it feel like it was okay. It’s unfortunate that was how I was trying to cope.

It’s a survival instinct. You also mentioned you were drinking, which made you feel like you were also to blame. Why was that important for you to share?

It was hard. In the beginning, I did feel responsible because I had been drinking and we were in a situation where we weren’t in a bed together, but there was never the conversation about birth control, condoms, our relationship status. My underwear remained on. That’s the biggest thing where it’s so obvious looking back that that was not okay.

Verbal consent is so important. Even if you’re giving consent while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it’s probably not actually consent. That’s the thing that people need to learn and be respectful of.

What advice do you have on how to talk about consent when you are in the moment?

What people need to remember is that if you’re uncomfortable having that conversation, then you’re probably not ready to be having sex with that person to begin with. If you have a good relationship with this person where, even if it’s casual, romantic, whatever, you should be comfortable to say, “Are you okay having sex? Do you want to have sex? Should we have sex?” Then the conversation of, “Should we use a condom? Do you have a condom?” If you’re not having those conversations or you don’t feel comfortable doing that, then how are you comfortable having sex with this person?

What do you credit for your being able have this perspective now?

I didn’t go to therapy. I wish I did. I think I could have recovered a lot sooner. It took me years of self-reflection. I had failed relationship after failed relationship from that incident and finally realized what was the problem. A lot of it was rooted in sex and not having a healthy relationship with sex or communicating about sex. The older I got and the more failed relationships I had, I thought, What am I doing wrong? How can I fix this?

That’s really when I was like, “Okay, I need to be comfortable talking about sex.” That is the root issue that I was personally having in my relationships. Once I started talking about it, people would come forward and talk about their stories. I brought it up in very humorous ways to make it comfortable and natural. Once I started doing that, my whole perspective and life shifted. Even my relationships, in terms of having a healthy relationship with sex, all shifted for the better. But it took a long time.

Did you turn to any books or resources along the way?  

No, and that’s the unfortunate part. There are so many resources out there, and that’s what I’m really excited about with this episode: educating people on how to get that help. I lost so much time in trying to navigate that on my own. Had I known where to go, or that it was a common experience, I could have learned a lot quicker. I could have grown from it a lot quicker. But having the PSA for RAINN.org [Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network, which is the nation’s largest anti-sexual-violence organization] on the screen after that scene was such a great way to turn something so negative for me into a positive movement forward.

After the group date ended, did you have additional conversations with the guys?

Some of those conversations do continue throughout the season, which is great. We opened up, and it’s something that is impactful to them with their experiences. It’s great to be able to talk about it so freely.

I know you’ve touched on this a little bit, but do you feel a sense of pride in knowing you will help others by sharing your experience?

Sometimes you don’t realize how impactful something can be. Even in this moment, I haven’t felt it yet, but I know it’s coming. In some ways it’s going to be so heartbreaking to hear all these people who have relatable experiences, but also as a community, we are all supporting each other. We are healing and starting conversations so that we can move forward and hopefully educate everyone on what it means to have consent.

Will you be watching Monday night? Or is this still too raw?

I watch every episode alone because I need to process it and dissect. I have seen this one, but I will watch it again. I like to watch it with Bachelor Nation and be part of those conversations as it’s going on.

And going forward, what have you learned after something so difficult?

I’ve learned sex is an equal agreement, even if you do have consent. When I was trying to recover from that incident, I would force myself to want to have sex with my partner because I wanted to meet their needs, but I wasn’t wanting to have sex. You create this unhealthy relationship with sex by not making it an equal two-way street. I think the simplest way to put it is that it has to be both parties agreeing and wanting to have sex in order to have that healthy relationship with sex.

And people need to remember that being sex positive doesn’t just mean I’m walking around with vibrators. It means talking about sex. I would say Mike P. [who is a virgin] is sex positive because he was able to communicate about sex openly.

This interview has been edited for clarity. For additional information and resources, please visit www.RAINN.org.

This story originally appeared on: Glamour - Author:Jessica Radloff