Annika Noelle got her first Daytime Emmy nomination for playing a pregnancy loss storyline on “The Bold and the Beautiful.” She never imagined that one day it would become incredibly personal.
Losing a Child in the Limelight
The dark screen loomed above me as I craned my neck to see. Searching for any sign of movement or flicker of life, I was answered only with stillness and quiet. My lungs slowly filled, trying to stop the tears from escaping the corners of my eyes, as I breathed through the awkwardness of being exposed in every possible way. The ultrasound technician looked down on me with both gentleness and the steely resolve of someone who has had to deliver bad news far too often: “I’m sorry, there doesn’t seem to be a heartbeat.” And just like that, I had lost my second child in a matter of months.
The nature of a soap opera can be a grueling one. With a continuous narrative, the cast and crew work year-round producing more than 200 episodes annually. In a single day a show may film up to four episodes while ideally getting it all in only one take. Meanwhile, it is being broadcasted to millions of homes worldwide. They say if you can handle this format, you can handle anything. And I believe it because I had just come off an eight-month-long baby loss storyline that felt like I had run a marathon.
At the time I had never experienced a pregnancy before. I was grateful for the artistic challenge and threw myself into the story with everything I had, researching placental abruption, stillbirth, and pregnancy loss. I knew people in my own life who had gone through the trauma of losing a child, and I wanted to do them justice. It had to be honest. It had to be real. But what it entailed was months and months of grief on camera that slowly started to seep into my life off camera. While I walked away from that storyline with my first Daytime Emmy nomination, it left a psychological mark that was difficult for me to recover from…if only I knew what cruel irony lay ahead.
As a woman, I never imagined having a child to be a difficult feat. From a young age we are told how easy it is to get pregnant, even with a condom, while on birth control, and pulling out—don’t forget about the precum! I took the responsibility of it seriously and had been so careful for so many years of my life. I never thought that when I actually wanted it to happen, it wouldn’t.
When my fiancé and I found out I was pregnant, we were simultaneously overjoyed and terrified. These would be our first steps together on the journey of parenthood. Immediately my shopping carts became full of baby books and my browser tabs full of information from bassinets to doulas to red-light baby dream machines. The following weeks became a flurry of doctor appointments, blood work, and ultrasounds, all squeezed around my busy filming schedule. It was only until the progesterone results came in that everything began to unravel.
I lost her at 10 weeks.
My dream of welcoming our baby into the world was slowly becoming more of a lucid nightmare. The doctor recommended an in-office D&C (dilation and curettage) so I wouldn’t have to experience the worst of it on set: “You’ll be drugged so you won’t feel much, if anything, slight cramping.” Unfortunately, like most things when it comes to women’s health, that was not true. As drugged as I may have been, something went awry. I felt it all. And I remembered everything. The image of myself desperately trying to crawl away from the pain as the nurses tried to coax me back down to the edge of the table, my nonsensical pleadings, and the ever-echoing noise of that damned exam table paper.
After I took time to heal emotionally and physically, I was determined to try again. I was told the chances of us experiencing another pregnancy loss were slim to none, but sadly, our second attempt unraveled into sorrow and heartache as well. We lost him at eight weeks. And all the while, I was filming.
Nobody knew. I came up with excuses for why I couldn’t wear white pants or felt nauseous on set. Fans and news articles speculated whether I was pregnant or just gained weight during quarantine. And once again the storyline called for ceaseless tears when I felt like I had no more to give. I guess looking back at it now, I was scared to jinx anything. I didn’t want people to know and have things not work out. And yet I wish I had because I would have given anything to have the understanding and support of the cast and crew. I felt so alone.
The secret was isolating, yet the shame was debilitating. I felt like I had failed at something that should be easy. But as time marched on, I was surprised by a new feeling bubbling underneath the sorrow: an ancestral rage toward the burden of womanhood. And as I slowly began to open up about my loss to a select few, I was shocked by how many people had experienced it as well. I began to realize that the support I was craving could be found in the collective experience of women. And the more I opened up about it to men, they gained a deeper understanding. Suddenly my shame was replaced with power. I had been through hell and back and was still standing. To go through what I went through and still show up on set, to get through the day and not crumble, is a feat. I never want to hear anyone question a woman’s strength ever again.
Anyone who follows me on social media can tell you I’m a deeply private person. But if there is one thing I’ve gained from my loss, it is a voice I’m no longer afraid to use. Especially at a time when women can be criminally charged for pregnancy loss, are losing autonomy over their own body, and the United States ranks last overall among industrialized countries in maternal mortality, our voices need to be heard. It is a disservice to keep the experience of women in the shadows of silence. I hope we can continue to give ourselves permission to share these experiences so that, one by one, our voices can grow from a murmur into a resounding chorus. In doing so, we can feel a little less alone and a whole lot more brave. Because we need each other. And I got your back.
Annika Noelle is an actor on The Bold and the Beautiful. Follow her on Instagram @annikanoelle.
This story originally appeared on: Glamour - Author:Condé Nast
