Netflix's 'Marriage or Mortgage' Is Deranged—But I Can't Stop Watching

The reality show isn't meant to be sad, but…yikes.

Netflix's 'Marriage or Mortgage' Is Deranged—But I Can't Stop Watching

Millennials and their avocado toast have a new enemy: the Netflix series Marriage or Mortgage, which premieres today, March 10.

The reality show's concept is pretty straightforward: Young-ish couples have scraped together just enough savings to afford either their dream wedding or a house downpayment. But what to choose? That's where wedding planner Sarah Miller and real estate agent Nichole Holmes come in. They spend each episode planning hypothetical weddings and showing homes to the couple in question. At the end, the couple chooses: marriage or mortgage? 

If that sounds depressing and deranged, that's because it is. The show is essentially a peppy, Hunger Games-esque competition for a couple's life savings. Miller and Holmes—enthusiastic and determined, with nearly identical auburn hair—pull out all the stops to win. In one episode, Holmes plays on a woman's grief from losing her dad to sell some random kitchen. Buy this house, please! I put your late father's London broil recipe on the center island so you'd make an offer!

Later, in what feels like a weird form of retaliation, Miller sneakily puts that same father's name on a handkerchief for the bride. She then brags about this to Holmes, who painfully smiles and quips, “That is very sweet of you. Look at you!" She's losing, damn it! The couple's $25,000 nest egg is slipping out of her well-manicured hands! 

That, in a nutshell, sums up Holmes and Miller's energy throughout this whacky show. They're presented as friends who work together, but I have questions. For one, I've never heard of a real estate-slash-wedding planning office. Also, you can cut the passive-aggressive energy with a knife. “The builder is willing to give you an appliance allowance of $12,000,” Holmes says to an about-to-be-broke couple as Miller shakes her head in fury. (That means they might choose mortgage.) “She would love to throw in the veil for free," Miller tells a bride as Holmes closes her eyes, horrified. (That means they might choose marriage.) 

The best part of every episode is the very end, when the couple actually picks their poison. “We choose house,” one couple says, to which Miller, The Loser, replies, “That's a great decision.” What you actually hear, though, is “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” (FWIW, the internet's consensus on the right choice is loud and clear: house. Always house!) 

After two episodes of Marriage or Mortgage, I realized there's no catch. This show is really, truly about couples having to decide whether they want to blow everything they've worked for on walk-in closets or velvet ottomans for their Graceland-inspired wedding.  Should we pay for our Nashville destination nuptials or this house with a “man cave?" Either way, we're going to end up with -$150 in our bank account!

To be clear, I enjoyed watching this show in the moment. It's so chaotic. But Marriage or Mortgage doesn't exist in a vacuum. The show is arriving at a time when many have lost their savings to COVID-19. Basic necessities are out of reach for a lot of people right now, let alone custom-made wedding veils that cost $1,500. And for that matter: What lavish weddings are even happening safely these days? The couple in episode one had to forego their choice (marriage) because COVID-19 compromised their wedding. They downsized for a cheaper affair instead. 

Which…couldn't that be the entire series? Instead of making poor couples choose between a wedding and a house, why not work with their budget to give them both? And maybe come up with a plan that doesn't completely bleed them dry? Oh, and while we're at it: Toss in some actual tips couples in similar positions can use. Watching Miller and Holmes try to make a wedding and down payment work on one budget would be far more compelling (and less bleak) than this show. Each Marriage or Mortgage episode—the ones I watched, at least—ended on sort-of happy notes, but I also felt a sense of dread. No matter what these couples chose, they ultimately were left with nothing—quite literally nothing in their bank accounts (assuming the money they're spending on their down payment is all the money they have). 

So let's show 31-year-olds around the world you can have it all if you're willing to make some adjustments. This YouTube commenter says it best: “How is this a hard decision? So damn silly. Have a reasonable wedding. Get your home, then save up for your dream ceremony.” 

Marriage or Mortgage is now streaming on Netflix. 

Christopher Rosa is the entertainment editor at Glamour. Follow him on Instagram @chris.rosa92. 

This story originally appeared on: Glamour - Author:Christopher Rosa