‘I don’t have the bandwidth’: how to juggle dating alongside a PhD

Is lasting love more likely if you date only other scientists? How much should you talk about your research on a first date? Researchers lift the lid on their experiences of when science meets affairs of the heart

Alexus Cazares met Michi Nuesser on Tinder in 2020, when both were early-career researchers.Credit: Alexus Cazares-Nuesser

When Karen Arellano moved to Spain from Mexico in 2020 to start her PhD in cognitive neuroscience, she turned to the dating app Tinder, headquartered in West Hollywood, California, to meet people. But something strange kept happening when conversations on the app turned to her graduate studies: many of her matches disappeared without a trace. “I guess they got intimidated,” says Arellano, who is based at the Basque Center on Cognition, Brain and Language in San Sebastián, Spain.

That all changed in December of that year, when she matched with Jon D’Emidio, a physicist who had moved to San Sebastián from Lausanne, Switzerland, to start a postdoctoral position at the Donostia International Physics Center. With bars and restaurants closed under COVID-19 pandemic restrictions, the pair donned their face masks and met for a takeaway coffee. The researchers clicked instantly as they discussed their scientific careers in the blistering cold. Now, they’re engaged.

Arellano says the best thing about being in a relationship with another researcher is the support and understanding that she receives from someone who gets it. “It was the first time I felt that someone knew the struggles I was talking about,” she says.

Arellano’s experience is just one example of the highs and lows that come with dating during a PhD. Finding a long-term partner is challenging for anyone, but it can be particularly difficult for early-career researchers to find time to meet people when there are experiments to run, papers to write and grants to apply for, says Laurie Santos, a cognitive scientist at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut, whose podcast, The Happiness Lab, includes episodes about dating.

The deep and often solitary work of doing research can also make it more difficult to cross paths with new people, adds Marisa Cohen, a marriage therapist and relationship scientist who runs her own private practice in Hempstead, New York. Many researchers also told Nature’s careers team that they avoid dating their colleagues because it’s emotionally and professionally risky, which narrows their options further. This means that researchers often need to go out of their way to meet like-minded people, which can be challenging to juggle with a gruelling workload (see ‘Dating tips for PhD students’). “It can sometimes be an isolated and very lonely process,” says Cohen.

Dating tips for PhD students

Make the time. There’s no doubt that PhD students are often strapped for time, but there are ways to find a few hours here and there to schedule dates, says Laurie Santos, a cognitive scientist at Yale University in New Haven, Connecticut. One strategy is to schedule blocks of free time weeks in advance so they’re already prioritized, she says.

Don’t dismiss the apps. Dating apps such as Tinder, Hinge and Bumble can help researchers to “connect with people that you would otherwise not cross paths with”, says Marisa Cohen, a marriage therapist and relationship scientist who runs a private practice in Hempstead, New York. Research also shows that people connect better when they meet up in real life sooner rather than later⁴. “Try to go on a date as soon as you can,” adds Santos. “And on that date, ditch the small talk and get to know each other more deeply.”

Think values, not metrics. It’s easy for researchers — and everyone else — to treat dates like job interviews and focus on the facts, such as a prospective partner’s salary, career opportunities and life goals, says Santos. But she adds that external metrics don’t always equal compatibility. And although researchers don’t necessarily need to date another academic to be fulfilled, finding a partner who has a similar drive and passion for what they do can go a long way, adds Cohen. “You’re more likely to understand one another,” she says.

But finding and developing meaningful connections has its benefits. Some studies have found that people who are in fulfilling romantic relationships are less likely to report burnout and emotional exhaustion at work¹. Other research suggests that being in a close romantic relationship is beneficial to hitting career goals². “Taking time to develop strong connections needs to be prioritized,” says Santos.

Taking a break

Sometimes, workplace culture can make all the difference. For marine ecologist Trenton Aguilar, being part of a team that valued work–life balance made it easier for him to make time for dating during his PhD at the University of Florida in Gainesville. For instance, Aguilar and his colleagues made sure to schedule dinner or drinks together at least once a week. That regular social activity helped him to feel comfortable prioritizing dating and his personal life alongside his graduate studies. In 2021, Aguilar began dating his current partner, Julia Adams, a physician assistant at the University of Florida. “I was sure to allocate myself time to be a normal person,” says Aguilar, who is now based at the University of South Florida in Tampa.

Building a romantic relationship during a PhD can also encourage a better work–life balance, says Alexus Cazares, a biological oceanographer at the University of Hawai’i at Mānoa. Cazares met her wife Michi Nuesser, a linguistics researcher at the same university, on Tinder at the beginning of her PhD in 2020. They married in April 2024. Although Cazares admits that her blossoming relationship distracted her from her graduate studies, she knew that it wasn’t something to feel guilty about. “If it were not for my relationship, I would probably just be grinding away working,” she says. Cazares adds that although there’s no perfect career stage to start dating, the flexibility of a PhD has its benefits. “Even though it feels like you’re so busy and everything’s so important, the stakes still are fairly low,” she says, in reference to the responsibilities and workload.

But other researchers struggle to find the time and energy to meet potential partners while they are graduate students. Some studies have shown that even just feeling strapped for time can make it harder for people to connect socially, be it romantically or otherwise, says Santos.